Undone

  Michele is a friend I absolutely adore and trust to speak truth over deep places in my life when I need a confidant. If you have ever felt burdened with unanswered questions and prayers, this book is a must-read. God’s truths are woven through Michele’s many beautiful words and heartbreaking stories. She is wise. She is funny. She helps her reader find God’s comfort, love, and revelation in the midst of hardship. And best of all, she offers up bouquets of the sweetest grace on every page.

  — Lysa TerKeurst, author, New York Times bestselling The Best Yes; president, Proverbs 31 Ministries

  While this looks like a book, it’s not. It’s actually a life preserver disguised as a book. Hearing Michele’s story helped me to understand more clearly my own story and to connect it to the even bigger story of God’s fierce, persistent, and gracious love. It made me laugh, cry, and ponder anew the mystery of suffering and the meaning of life.

  — Michael Hyatt, New York Times bestselling author; former CEO, Thomas Nelson Publishers

  What a book! Mesmerizing, funny, heartbreaking, redemptive. A messy story full of honesty and hope. My heart felt like it grew bigger and wiser reading this finely crafted tome.

  — Patsy Clairmont, author, Twirl . . . A Fresh Spin at Life; Women of Faith speaker

  Undone mended my heart. Michele’s honest words soothed my deepest fears that I was the only mom/wife/friend who battled a messy, confusing life. She tackles her story with the kind of authenticity that lets Jesus shine through the broken places.

  — Mary DeMuth, author, Thin Places: A Memoir

  Michele Cushatt is an exceptional writer who weaves humor and honesty in a powerful way that helps people face some of the hardest issues that life brings their way. Her heartwarming, inspiring story, Undone, helps us more clearly see through difficult circumstances and recognize the hand of God in the midst of it all. Don’t miss Undone. It is a book that leads to life fully alive.

  — Ken Davis, author; comedian; inspirational speaker

  God’s great strength is most evident in our great weakness. In no other story I’ve read in the past five years is that statement more evident than in Michele Cushatt’s Undone. Every page is doused with the grace of God shared through a woman who has been broken wide open so that his presence is unmistakable in her life. You will walk away convinced that your own messy faith, lived out in imperfect ways, is enough. A must-read.

  — Kathi Lipp, author, The Cure for the Perfect Life: Twelve Ways to Stop Trying Harder and Start Living Braver

  Do yourself a massive favor and read this book! I cannot recommend it highly enough. Michele is one of the most gifted communicators I’ve ever met, but more than that, she’s one of the most Jesus-filled people I’ve ever known. Michele’s story will inspire you, move you, and leave you feeling empowered that you too can face overwhelming odds and unknowns with courage and bravery.

  — Crystal Paine, founder of MoneySavingMom.com; author, New York Times bestselling Say Goodbye to Survival Mode

  What do you do when life doesn’t turn out the way you always thought it would? Reading this masterfully written and poignant book, I found myself immediately captivated by both Michele’s personal story and her ability to tell it. Once I started reading, I found I couldn’t put it down. In the end, it offered hope amid the messiness of life and provided a powerful reminder that while God doesn’t promise a life free of pain, he does promise never to let us go. Undone is a must-read — one of the best books I’ve read all year.

  — Ruth Soukup, founder, LivingWellSpendingLess.com; author, Living Well, Spending Less: Twelve Secrets of the Good Life

  The hardest things in life have a way of showing up unexpectedly, as do the most beautiful and breathtaking. Through Michele’s story, I found mine. Through her remembering, I was reminded. Reminded how God has shown up when I least expected him. How comfort and peace have pulled up close when I felt alone. How strength came in the most unexpected ways. If you feel like you’re coming undone, read this book and let Michele’s words awaken the hope and courage your heart needs today!

  — Renee Swope, author, bestselling A Confident Heart; radio cohost, Everyday Life with Lysa and Renee; Proverbs 31 Ministries

  Reading Michele Cushatt’s memoir, Undone, left me . . . well, undone: amazed at the trials and testings of one woman, yet in awe of the tenacity and tenderness of our God. Michele’s pilgrimage through life wasn’t at all what she’d expected. But it turned out to be just what she needed. Every new twist. Each unwanted turn. Her rollercoaster ride of emotional and physical pain changed her. Reading her story will change you too. This book will empower you to more trustingly rely on God, who promises to travel not only with but in all who cling to him during every leg of life’s journey.

  — Karen Ehman, Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker; author, Let. It. Go and Keep It Shut

  Michele’s life gives me courage — and hope — to live my life. Most of us — all of us? — think we are the only ones. The only ones stunned and surprised by the life we are suddenly living. But we’re not the only ones. Each of us is called to be open to God’s unexpected invitation into an unimaginable calling of brokenness that actually makes us beautiful. Through telling her story, Michele helps us say yes. I say yes.

  — Elisa Morgan, speaker; author, The Beauty of Broken

  Undone undid me! This is a deeply moving, powerfully tender story, an encouraging God-salve for the raw soul

  — Marilyn Meberg, author; speaker; Women of Faith original speaker

  For any woman who struggles with a life that has morphed into something between soap opera and sitcom, who has frantically tried to patch something together while it’s coming apart, who wants so badly to do it all perfectly but gets overwhelmed by the reality of her humanity, welcome to Undone. Beautifully told, vulnerably crafted. Reading Michele’s unfolding story is like finding an understanding friend at the juncture where panic meets surrender and peace.

  — Becky Johnson, coauthor, We Laugh, We Cry, We Cook and Nourished: A Search for Health, Happiness, and a Full Night’s Sleep

  This is a hopeful, heartfelt memoir about finding the hidden beauty in the midst of life’s greatest struggles. In Michele’s story, you will see your own story — and find something beautiful to hold onto.

  — Jeff Goins, author, The Art of Work

  As you read this beautiful memoir, you will find Michele crawling right into your heart. You will identify with her pain, be humbled by her courage, and grab onto her hope. Long after you’ve turned the last page, you will be dwelling on what Michele’s life has taught you about yours.

  — Dr. Juli Slattery, psychologist; founder, Authentic Intimacy

  Through the fire, Michele Cushatt emerges whole, lifted, and shining. What a beautiful journey to share. A courageous testament to holding fast to God’s hand, regardless of life’s heat and hurdles, and never letting go. Encouraging and beautiful.

  — Patricia Raybon, award-winning author, I Told the Mountain to Move, My First White Friend, and Undivided

  Undone is like a conversation with an old beloved friend, where you feel oh-so-honored to be entrusted with their overwhelming fears, deepest desires, and unquenchable hope for the future. Michele’s memoir is a brilliant and beautiful account of resting in God through every trial, and a clear vision of what it means to willfully embrace the wild turns of life.

  — Shannon Ethridge, international speaker; life/relationship coach; author, bestselling Every Woman’s Battle series

  With an honesty that is truly inspiring, Michele Cushatt has written a brave account of her own complicated life. Her book is a gift and constant companion to anyone who has gone through the trials of life and relied on an unshakable faith. For anyone who yearns to understand where God is in the midst of this crazy l
ife, I cannot recommend Undone highly enough.

  — Brenda Warner, author, First Things First

  I adore Michele’s writing and her pure and courageous heart. The grace she’s traveled is nothing short of amazing. In Undone, Michele invites us into a life turned upside-down and the creative God who can achieve in our hearts and minds what we don’t always think is possible — an unshakeable faith and a gutsy resolve that transforms our perspective of what a life well-lived truly is.

  — Carrie Wilkerson, author, The Barefoot Executive; CarrieWilkerson.com

  I knew Michele Cushatt has amazing artistry with words. What I didn’t know was how Undone would settle into my bones, with startling impact. Michele has spoken for all humanity in its pages, pointing to the Master Creator, reminding us of our imperfect lives and how they are beautiful, no matter the unexpected struggle. Bravo, Michele, bravo. I’ll be reading this again.

  — Lisa Whittle, author, Whole and I Want God

  I laughed and cried as I read this gripping page-turning account of Michele’s life. Her honest struggles and deep faith created within me a desire to do more — to be more — for God. I unreservedly recommend Undone to anyone who needs a healthy dose of God-infused inspiration.

  — Lorraine Pintus, international speaker; writing coach; author, Jump Off the Hormone Swing

  In her book, Undone, my beautiful friend Michele Cushatt has left me just that, undone. Her courage to be real gives all of us permission to remove our masks of perfectionism and embrace our authentic, work-in-progress, undone selves. I love this book and the freedom it brings!

  — Yvette Maher, executive pastor, New Life Church, Colorado Springs

  Undone is not only compelling and riveting in its content; it’s deeply uncompromised in its declaration. For no matter the circumstance we find ourselves in, we are seen by a lovesick Father who never takes his eyes off of us. In all the complicated realties of our brokenness, with intoxicating love, he whispers, I am with you; I see you; you are mine.

  — Tammy Maltby, television and radio host; author, The God Who Sees You

  ZONDERVAN

  Undone

  Copyright © 2015 by Michele Cushatt

  ePub Edition © January 2015: ISBN 978-0-310-33979-3

  Requests for information should be addressed to:

  Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Cushatt, Michele, 1971–

  Undone : a memoir : finding peace in an unexpected life / Michele Cushatt.

  pages cm

  Includes bibliographical references.

  ISBN 978-0-310-33978-6 (softcover)

  1. Cushatt, Michele, 1971- 2. Christian biography. I. Title.

  BR1725.C848A3 2015

  287.092—dc23 [B]

  2014016732

  All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

  Any Internet addresses (websites, blogs, etc.) and telephone numbers in this book are offered as a resource. They are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement by Zondervan, nor does Zondervan vouch for the content of these sites and numbers for the life of this book.

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other — except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

  Published in association with the literary agency of Wolgemuth & Associates, Inc.

  The names and identifying characteristics of some of the people in this book have been changed to protect their privacy. While this is a work of nonfiction and the author has selected what to include, it is based on her own perspective and recollection of events.

  Cover design: Jamie DeBruyn

  Cover photography: © Katrin Ray Shumakov / Getty Images®

  Interior design: Beth Shagene

  Interior photography: © Katrin Ray Shumakov / Getty Images®, © lissart / iStockphoto®

  First printing January 2015

  To Troy,

  Tyler, Ryan, Jacob,

  Princess, Peanut, and Jack,

  the splashes of color on my canvas.

  And to the Artist,

  who weaves all things together

  into a breathtaking whole.

  I’m undone.

  Contents

  1. The Phone Call

  PART 1

  Life and Death

  2. Thanksgiving

  3. Waiting

  4. A Cancer Far Worse

  5. Till Death Do Us Part

  6. In Pursuit of Peace

  7. New Year, New Fear

  8. The Strength of Empty

  9. Hammer Blows and Houses That Stand

  10. Un-Mother’s Day

  11. The Ford and the Phone Call

  PART 2

  Death and Life

  12. Popsicles, the Park, and Jesus

  13. Counting the Cost

  14. Love in the Land of Limbo

  15. La Vita è Bella

  16. No Room

  17. Attached

  18. The Grace of a Rough Draft

  19. Dying in the Deep

  20. Lay It Down

  21. Marker on My Walls

  22. Until We’re Home

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgments

  Notes

  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

  — ROMANS 8:35, 37 – 39

  CHAPTER 1

  The Phone Call

  Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we are not perfect.

  — FRED ROGERS, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood: Thoughts for All Ages

  IT STARTED WITH A PHONE CALL.

  November 23, the Tuesday morning before Thanksgiving Day. The doctor’s voice caught me by surprise, his words even more so: “Michele, it’s not good.”

  Gut punch.

  I didn’t expect to find out I had cancer two days before Thanksgiving. Some holidays should be off limits. Just saying.

  The breakfast dishes sat in the sink, cereal bowls and coffee mugs dropped in my hurry to get kids to school. My husband, Troy, already late, hustled through the house grabbing computer bag and coat for a full day of customer appointments. Bread crumbs from hastily assembled sack lunches lingered on the counter, the newspaper sprawled across the table. All marks of an ordinary day in our home.

  Only today was no longer ordinary. Even as I sat in the living room chair, the phone in one hand and my forehead in the other, I knew my life would never be the same.

  Six days before, after doing a biopsy, Dr. Francis had assured me I had no reason to fear. “It’s nothing, Michele. Nothing. But we’ll do the biopsy anyway.” Yes, he’d said that. Multiple times. So I didn’t worry, because I had no need to.

  Michele, it’s not good.

  All the fear the doctor had stayed the week before now filled me with panic. I couldn’t breathe, felt like I was drowning.

  I’d turned thirty-nine only a few short months before. Too young. I thought of my three teenage boys without a mother. My husband without a wife. I pictured the dreams I wouldn’t reach, all the events I would miss. The cross-country meets, homecoming pictures, and high school graduations. In a moment, cancer rewrote my life as a worst-case scenario. I hated it.

  At diff
erent times in my life, I’d imagined getting a phone call like this, even wondered how I’d respond. Every time, I pictured myself a pillar of strength, absorbing bad news with a sweep of the hand and a stoic grace, an actress’s well-executed theatrics. It seems silly now, my imagination, compared with reality. Cancer has nothing of Hollywood in it.

  Officially, Dr. Francis said, cancer of the tongue. A rare, squamous-cell carcinoma typically found in smokers. Only I wasn’t a smoker, had never been. Regardless of how many times I asked, he couldn’t explain it, couldn’t tell me why. Instead, he assigned me to a surgeon who later scheduled a PET scan and a December surgery, a partial glossectomy to remove a section of my tongue. After that, results would be analyzed and a treatment plan would be created.

  Fear and unknowns marked Thanksgiving that year. Waiting and worrying, crying and praying. A hundred times I’ve tried to put words to that time. Like trying to explain the deep end of the ocean to a bird who has known only the feel of the sky. How do I capture that first day, my kids at school and my husband at work, when I cried at home alone, curled up in my bedroom closet? How do I describe telling my youngest boy when he came home from school, the one who still cuddled with his mama at night, and then holding him and wiping tears from his eyes? How do I give justice to the sleepless nights and panic-filled days while I waited, waited, waited for PET scan and pathology results? At six o’clock I woke up to a life I loved. By eight thirty it was gone.

  The phone call with Dr. Francis ended almost as quickly as it began, like a tornado ripping through a town in just minutes but changing the landscape forever.

  “Any questions?” he asked.

  Of course I had questions! Terrifying, consuming ones. What if it has already spread? How soon will we know a prognosis? Will I be able to talk normally once I heal? Is my speaking career over? What about my boys? What should I tell them?

  Will I live?

  “No, I’m okay.”

  Only I wasn’t.

  I hung up the phone. And fell completely apart.